This application for the 2017 Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Lynda. If you would like to offer your support for Lynda please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.
When I received the email for the scholarship application, I decided to take some time to contemplate my intentions to apply. I contemplated carefully what my greatest growth edge is at this stage in my life. After reading The Art of Stalking Parallel Perception, clarity arrived. I want to work hard to keep my heart open during interactions that feel like “rejection rituals” occur.
I first became aware of this was in my early twenties. During personal and professional interactions my mind would reinforce the scripted narrative and dysfunctional programming: grasping, fear, self-cherishing, personal validation and control. The trans-generational conditioning birthed during childhood. When I saw these patterns repeating themselves in 1999, I contemplated them with curiosity. I wanted to open my heart more. The dichotomy would be too painful if I did not. I decided to leave my corporate job that same year and initiated a dark period into my life. I was shown countless times that “I” was dying every day. I saw this clearly through various ceremonies and meditation retreats over the years.
I have always reflected deeply on those “rejection rituals” that always led to the experience of becoming un-love and violating my own character. Experiences that Lujan calls the “shadow mind” would arise, like a dark warrior, wielding a sword, entering the battle to blind the heart. Then, the battle would end leaving shattered remains: I would feel rejected and the other person felt betrayed or vise versa. Over the years, they occurred with partners, co-workers, my family and I would learn many years later, with my beloved child. It happens less than it used to, but I am still working to free my heart.
My most recent experience of this occurred in 2016, when I attempted to move into a state of open awareness and presence while I was on the receiving end of a “rejection ritual”. I sat in silence, allowed my heart to open and felt the deep pain of the perceived “other”. The pressure in my chest was immense.
My heart said, “stay with this.” My internal dialogue was fighting to take over and I immediately wanted to go into protection – contract my heart and attack with words. I allowed the thoughts to pass so my heart remained open. The only words I could muster were, “the invitation is here, if we are both open to it.” I was met with more projections, and in that silence I began to allow my heart to really feel the wounding.
Love missed, love lost and the opportunity – gone. In that space, my tears flowed with what felt like grief (and yet there was confusion). Was I grieving the potential that was passing – in the moment? I again quieted my mind and allowed vulnerability – then I gracefully exited. When I left, I immediately felt more confusion arise. Was I experiencing an old wounding reminiscent of childhood? Or was it something else? After reading The Art of Stalking Parallel Perception, I wonder if it was predatory energy with negative intent.
I see all the ways in which I gave my power over before, after and during that experience. I see the residue of self-importance after the event, when anger came. In silence, I have arrived at compassion for that being, because I too have harmed others unconsciously.
Earlier this year, I subscribed to the Parallel Perception newsletter and was sent the glyphs, which are on my altar. They speak deeply to my soul. I have three of Lujan’s books: The Art of Stalking Parallel Perception, Awakening The Third Eye and Whisperings of the Dragon (thank you, Lujan). The books, in several ways, are inviting me to back to my own power: to open my sense gates in different ways, observe the self narrative, and encouraging silence so that I may listen with wakeful awareness.
The Mirroring technique has really helped me see old defense programming fighting to survive. In the space of silence and dropping defenses, regardless of what I encounter, I am experiencing a great deal of peace and discomfort, which is welcomed.
My sincere intention is to learn Spiral Energetics and Lo Ban Pai. I hope to learn to how to navigate the internal sea of social programming, when the waves of unconsciousness rise, so I may listen with precision and flow from my heart center, mindfully and ethically. I wish to really encounter other beings where conceptual mind ceases and loving presence allows our hearts to reveal. To arrive, without getting in the way of that grace.
Whether I am chosen for scholarship or not, I am still deeply grateful for Lujan’s books. They offer a song of the heart that is extremely fluid and sacred. May all beings truly benefit from these teachings – we all need them.
In love,
Lynda
USA
I’d like to offer my support.
Thank you, Jess.