That Which Is True, Disappears

This application for the 2017 Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Sutra. If you would like to offer your support for Sutra please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

For many years something had been roiling beneath the surface of my being. Despite believing in the Shamanic path, decades of qigong and taiji practice, yoga, and study of Lao Tzu and ancient mythology, strict organic veganism, nearly two decades without alcohol or any drugs or even mainstream media, I suffered a deep seeded anger and confusion that was frustrating- for the very reason that I felt I was doing every thing right. The energy of dark anger seemed to be in competition with the energy that drove me to practice, and for years it seemed the darkness was winning.

Events of my life came to a head when a relationship suddenly changed in a devastating way. The voice in my head, the inner dialogue, became a constant, unbearable, brutal assault. I would find myself yelling, arguing with people who were not there; the thoughts of anger, frustration and victimization I went to bed with would still be flying mercilessly through my head when I woke, usually only a few hours after going to bed.

At the same time I was SEEING- I saw clearly motivations, energies, I saw the intention in people so clearly- as I was seeing the darkness in myself… but I could not express or explain what was happening, I just knew things were shifting and my life could not ever be the same.

I sought help with therapy. This helped very little; very quickly it was apparent that modern psychology could not offer anything more than medication, which I refused. Talking would bring me back to repeating the lies that my inner dialogue was giving me, and a therapist attempting to make me feel justified in my anger. I could not accept that.

I began to find solace in teachings of Tantric Buddhism- these recent events of my life were truly and organically Tantric and served to allow me to witness and begin to break down my social self, but it was quickly obvious that this was not my path. As wise and sublime as Tibetan Buddhism can be, for me it could only offer part of the picture, and I stepped into and out of it as a portal.

That’s when I stumbled across Lujan Matus’ work.

Immediately I identified the predator Lujan speaks of as the inner dialogue- that voice that WAS NOT MINE, yet whispered in my ear, non stop. I saw the predator that enthralled those people around me. I was able to see many of the imprints which had become installed; syntactical traps that I set for myself keeping me mired in the “same old thing”, and how this was playing out in my life. I saw the people in the drama of my life were suffering under the yoke of their cloaked inner child, and were using their emotions as sorceric tools to attempt to control their environment. Lujan made it clear, as no one else could, that I must stand up in the face of the predator, my own inner dialogue, and take responsibility for my life in quiet, unfiltered observation. I now meditate two hours every day, without fail.

Furthermore, so many events of my life, which had just seemed bizarre and incomprehensible, now took on incontrovertible significance in lieu of Lujan’s teachings. Examples: The first memory of my life is of waking dream of a face on a tree. I have seen souls departing this plane for bardo- in real time. I have discovered ancient burials, seemingly by chance. I have suddenly taken wing and seen through an eagle’s eyes, as I waited for a sweat lodge. There are so many more. The second attention has been unveiled to me in waking times on so many occasions- but I had an inner knowing that this meant nothing without true integrity in my life.

If Lujan’s teaching were just novel, or simply intellectually engaging, or in any way provided validation to my idea of myself, there would be no point to travel across the planet to study these ways. Lujan’s tuition has cast light upon my life’s events in a way that finally makes sense. Lujan has confirmed that I must speak my truth from my power, which is the events of my life- not an abstracted tuition. Lao Tzu tells us that the Way is in the fruit, not the flower.

I see the practice of Spiral Energetics as a necessary next step to manifest the inner realizations that Lujan’s tuition provides. True, loving gestures are the energetic embodiment of the void- creating a complete integrity of body and spirit. Opening and strengthening of the body clears stuck and stagnant energy, allowing the body to manifest sacred shapes and forms, which further enhance and reinforce inner realizations. It is also clear that this system provides the defense needed for the warrior to live in integrity and innocence, as this is in many ways a dangerous path.

I do not want to be a shaman, my life has already taken care of that. Again, in the words of Lujan, there are no volunteers in the world of power.

In union.

Sutra
USA