Don't Ever Be Too Hard on Yourself

Testimonial

When I arrived to the Opening the Tao course I did not know what to expect Lujan indicated in his letter prior to the course that we will learn the mother of all form. As we started learning the movements I started to see faces and memories started showing up I had begun to identify very clearly impossible binds – glitches, recurring behaviors, replayed scenarios in my life- same thing only different faces and different memory.

The memories and faces started to show me the origin of these glitches and the ideas, beliefs and behaviors I have adopted due to these origin events in my life. They showed me the suffering caused to me and to others by these ideas and my chosen repetitive behaviors.

Lujan said “you need to ask yourself if you can be trusted and if you are trustworthy? “And the gravity of the truth fell on me the answer was NO.

I never really felt many good things about myself and being trustworthy was one of the things I proudly thought I was. I had the definition of trust completely wrong. I thought it meant I will do anything to save and protect people that I love. I realized it is not that at all.

It is actually sharing all the information to allow people to see as much as possible so they can have a fuller picture and decide how to protect themselves. Lujan asked us to check if we can trust ourselves. And answer again was NO I have allowed myself to be defined by actions, events and beliefs that were mostly not created by me.

These glitches took away my ability to see others, my compassion and my happiness. I learned that happiness cannot be achieved on the expense of anyone and that I will only be able to love myself and be happy if I am able trust myself again. While going through all this I had started to notice that the subjects discussed with fellow students are astonishingly on point to what I am discovering about myself. All remarks made felt as if I was making them, answers were directed to someone else and at the same time were given to me.

At one point after having an emotional day I went to eat lunch, I wanted to be by myself to process and relax. Two fellow students came to sit with me, I had a talk with one of them, the other one just set close to me saying nothing. Suddenly I started to hear a voice of someone singing, it was a homeless girl, her voice was so deep it created movement in my heat and my heart was filled with beauty.

I left to go to the room and started to reflect on that lunch. I realized that at some point of the conversation I had talked to myself, I could actually see my face replacing my companion’s face when some topics were discussed. I also realized that the energy of the student that set next to me quietly was supportive beyond measure. It grounded me and made me feel secure.
I could hardly wait for the next day to share with both of them what I had discovered and to thank them for sitting with me.

When I woke up the next morning my dantien was rocking in a tic toc motion and my voice was gone – it made me so happy. I knew I need to wait for my true voice to come to me and I was curious to hear its sound. For the rest of the course I had no voice and could hardly communicate with anyone. It was time to be quiet and to observe.

When I went to lunch that day another student joined me. At the beginning it was weird as I could hardly talk and he was just sitting there in front of me smiling. I started to look for the homeless singing girl with my eyes, I wanted to recapture the beauty of her voice in my heart, and suddenly I realized that moment was gone and cannot be recaptured. The smiling person in front of me was creating that beauty in my heart now. I shared this with him and we both cried.

In the last hour of the course Lujan was showing a new movement. It had involved fists punching.
It was the first time my body was not able to imitate Lujan’s movements. It was really weird, the movement made me feel sad and I started observing it real carefully – it was almost the same as one of my favorite movements in Golden Lotus series only it added punching fists. It showed me my fear of my violent anger and my belief that if I will allow my real anger to come out I will become dangerous. I had lived with this fear my whole life.

I heard a voice in me saying “it is not violence it is self-protection”, I tried to open my hand from the fists a bit more so it will not feel as punching but it didn’t work. I could not do the movement.

I kept watching the movement carefully and suddenly Lujan changed it and added the movement of the bird lending on the tree before the punch goes out to hit. I felt an immediate relief.
For me the movement of the bird landing on the tree feels like I have landed in my heart. Punching out from this place can only be self-defense. I smiled and said “you have changed the movement” and Lujan replied I don’t know what my body is doing you are watching me.

Sometime during the week I wrote to Lujan and shared that I was I praying for clarity. I was hoping my behavior will not be affected by my glitches and I was praying that if it was I would see it in time so I am able let everyone involved know. I realize that through this course my prayer had been answered. The practice of Opening the Tao gives me clarity. I know that I have guidance with in the movements. I trust the truth they are showing me and know they will guide me back to my heart.

Since I have started to learn with Lujan I felt like there is an observer in me; an awareness questioning situations, feelings, identifying repetitive behaviors. I remember telling Lujan on one of our Skype lessons that it feels like he became my architect of awareness. He said it was communion and that one day he might write a book about it.

Looking back at this week I am starting to understand the magnitude of communion. I have been supported by it through Lujan’s teachings, through the movements, through the students around me, and though a singing homeless person. The story of myself does not exist, all is connected. There not a single moment that is mine. At each moment all is interwoven between so many aspects, some I am lucky enough to see … Some I am lucky enough to understand ….

The understanding of this drops me into a completely different view of everything it is hard to describe this I am in awe of it all …

Lujan, how can I find words to thank you for showing me this?

With Love,
Miya
Israel