Traveling Inside Myself And Cleaning Out The Clutter

This application for the 2019 Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Carol. This year the recipient will receive either attendance at the Gravity Series Workshop or participation in the Online Spiritual Guidance program. If you would like to offer your support for Carol please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

I have just begun to delve into the teachings of Lujan Matus, and already I feel called to learn Lo Ban Pai. I have learned so much about traveling inside myself and cleaning out the clutter that has been keeping me in my head and out of my heart. I have learned to take a step back from situations and try not to engage with emotion. I had once mastered the art of deflecting drama but had let myself get swept back into that world briefly. Ironically, the entire situation hurt my heart. I was fine, but my heart hurt so much; this was the time I started to explore Lujan’s books.

Understanding hit me like a brick wall. I acted to remove myself from the trap I had wandered into. The most beautiful thing happened when I did that; peace. Everything played out and ended. The situation dissolved as if it had never happened.

As a mom with young children, I want to give these tools to them by modeling them. I want to learn to step back more and let them grow as they will with a strong guide to come to when they need to. I want to not be in a constant state of expectation, trying to live up to society’s expectations of how to raise my children or expecting my children to grow and act how I/society expects them to.

I want to learn to apply the same mindset that I had when I escaped the drama to my everyday life with the kids. And I have, in some small ways… but fear of failing them and fear of them being caught in the same thing I was, always brings me back to step one. The same old thing still has its claws in me, and I know that. I see it now for what it is thanks to the teachings in the books, but I want to move past it. I want to remove every trace of it from myself so that my children can see what is possible when you move outside of the norm.

I want my own inner silence, and for the most part I’ve noticed that that is what I have now. But when the voice in my head pops back in I still get consumed by it. I have begun a yoga practice again to help find silence through movement and breath. It has been helping so much, but I feel there is more to be done, more avenues to explore, more modalities and movements to apply.

During my walks home from work, I used to have immense conversations with myself about what had happened that day, how I was feeling, what there was to deal with at home and whatever else… now I find it is the perfect time to practice using only 2% of my gaze outwards, listening to what I can’t hear and feeling what I can’t touch.

It’s been a glorious change, almost a full reset between work and home. I am so grateful for the tools I have gained so far, and can’t wait to learn more. There is still so much work to be done, but there has also been so much progress made. I feel that getting the extra facilitation that comes with being in contact with a Nagual themselves may be what I need to continue forward, that little nudge to break through the cloak that I’ve been pushing back slowly.

Thank you,

Carol

Traveling Inside Myself And Cleaning Out The Clutter

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