Don't try to change the world; change yourself

This application for the 2017 Parallel Perception Scholarship was submitted by Oana. If you would like to offer your support for Oana please leave a comment at the end of this blog post.

This is the fourth attempt at writing the application for the 2017 Parallel Perception scholarship. I start writing and, when I read the outcome, I realize it’s not “me” in those lines, but what I would like others to perceive in me. How I should be in order to have a chance at being considered for the scholarship and not making a fool of myself in the meanwhile. The same old thing, over and over again.

The “me” in this moment is confused, torn between two sides of a coin, caught in “the same old thing”, cornered by the white tiger, the black widow and the poison dragon.

Lujan’s teachings about transparency and clear heartedness keep knocking on the back of my head, constantly reminding me that I am not there yet. When I think I am on the right path, a new situation appears that demolishes all of the castle of cards that I was, so confidently, building. This struggle leads me nowhere, except to depletion of my own power and energy reservoir. And, even if the “victim” character is quite strong in me, I can clearly see this is auto-destructive behavior that helps neither me, nor the planet / the others.

There are so many moments when the only thing that I want to do is scream. Scream so loud, that all the muddy layers wrapped around me break, due to the vibration of my (true) voice. But I cannot. My body freezes and not a single sound comes out of my mouth.

Somewhere deep inside me is a voice that I perceive from time to time; I don’t hear it, I just feel is there, very dim. I somehow feel that this struggle is coming to an end and the true warrior path is waiting to be stepped on.

This world that we came to is so beautiful, strong and full of wonders that it requires us to be in our full power to see it, to listen to it, to understand it and to act from within, not from the programs that we have been emerged so deep in. I (sometimes) see how we influence each other, how I leave a mark in whatever I engage with and, in many situation, it remains like a stain, something that creates division, it doesn’t become a place for growth and communion.

As Lujan says: “If we do not have balance, we will not dream awake.

Everything comes back to the individual. Don’t try to change the world; change yourself. By attending to your own transformation, you are actively taking responsibility for what is happening in the world.”

I am willing to do whatever I need to so I can straighten my body and clear my heart in order for my impact on this world to reach its maximum potential.

Lujan’s teachings are the ones that make my heart light and I feel this is the path that speaks to my soul.

Thank you, Lujan, for your compassion and willingness to teach us!

Oana
Romania